WHO IS A????

Ever since ABC Family's hit television show Pretty Little Liars hit the airwaves, I have been watching it religiously. If you haven't seen it, the show is about four friends reunited after a year by the discovery of their friend Allison's body. Allison had gone missing after a small kickback the previous year and no one knew where she went or what had happened to her. The small town they live in assumed her to be dead so when the body was found in her backyard, the girls had to relive it again. At the actual funeral, they all get a threatening text message from a mysterious A character who spends the rest of the show in the shadows, hellbent on ruining the lives of Aria, Emily, Hannah, and Spencer. If you've seen it---you know exactly what I'm talking about.
Although I think this show is partly retarded, I still love every moment of it. There are hot guys (Jason, Ezra, and Caleb), high school problems, and mysterious figures. What's not to like? I know many of my friends think it's a dumb show and I don't have one guy friend who seems to enjoy or watch the show without complaint.
Due to our love of PLL and alcohol, my friend Lauren and I have taken it upon ourselves to create a drinking game to this show. I know you can pretty much make a drinking game out of any show or movie, but in my experience not all drinking games are fun or exciting. This particular game is a sure-fire way to help you either get into the show or come up with a new perspective on it. It might even be an incentive for your friends of the male persuasion to get into it or at least not complain when you watch it.

Here are the rules:

1. 1 drink every time some one mentions Aria and Ezra's secret relationship
2. 1 shot for every awkward lesbian scene
3. 1 shot for every text message from A
4. 2 shots whenever you realize that each character has a different phone in each episode
5. 2 drinks when the name Alli or Allison is mentioned
6. 1 shot whenever Lucas is referred to as a Hermaphrodite
7. 1 shot everytime someone accuses Ian of murder
8. 2 drinks whenever Spencer disagrees with everyone
9. 3 shots for every flashback when Aria has pink hair

and finally my favorite rule of all time---
10. 1 shot every time Spencer wears a weird hat.

So there you go. Do you have what it takes to figure out who A is while intoxicated? Test yourself and find out. Now I must leave you so I can finish my tostada before I go back into the depths of hell. AKA work. Toodles.

Red Solo Cup.

I know that a lot of people would not pride themselves on living at home at the ripe old age of 22., but I like to think that living at home at my age is smart. I don't have to pay for anything. My parents don't make me pay rent, buy groceries, pay car insurance, pay the phone and internet bill---nothing. There are a couple of downsides to living at home but one that I find most irritating is my ability to throw my own party. With that being said, this post is dedicated to those of you who still live at home and can only throw an intimate gathering with intimate friends when their parentals have vacated the premises. 
You see, I like to party. A lot. Not necessarily get shitfaced but you know, party. When my parents are out of town, I like to have a few friends over to drink and shoot the shit. So today I'm going to tell you how to throw a party without your parents finding out. As a reference, I've thrown 5+ parties or kickbacks in the last 3 years and I've only gotten caught once. There was a good reason for that though. It was my 21st birthday, it was a Tuesday, and a few of us were driving to Oregon the next day so our clean up time was kind of limited.
Anyways, back to the subject. There are a few simple steps to throwing a party and not letting anyone of authority find out. I know what you're thinking, "throw a small kickback instead of a huge party", and the answer is no. You can do either a big party or just a small thing and not get caught. I'm not saying throw a Project X party or anything (although if you do---be sure to send an invite my way) but I'm saying it's not impossible. Let me be clear: this is NOT for theme parties. I mean you can use these tips for theme parties, but a couple of other things go into it. I, myself find that throwing themed parties are a pain in the ass so I simply don't throw them. So without further ado, let's get down to the nitty gritty. 

Step 1: The Guest List.
When working on a guest list, there are a few things that you have to consider. The first of which is how many people you want at your house. If you want to throw a party party, the it's 20 people minimum. That's not just a number I made up---it's a party rule that most people go by. Any less then 20 people means it's a kickback. 
The next thing to consider is WHO to invite. I tend to do this in 3 waves. First I think about my closest friends---the people I talk to on a weekly basis. The people you invite everywhere you go; your posse. For me that's about 8 people. The next wave of people should be the people who have invited you to their events. The people you don't talk to all the time, but you still consider them friends. The final wave should consist of people you rarely talk to but would like to see more often. Old high school friends, people from class, people from work etc. Had a crush on the same cute guy or girl for quite some time but don't feel comfortable enough to ask them out? Why not invite them? Worst case scenario you don't hook up with them, but they remember that you asked them to hang out so maybe they'll return the favor. Best case scenario: you do hook up with them. Everyone wins.

Step 2: The Warning
Now this is something that most people don't think of doing, but I try to do everytime I have people over. Talking to the neighbors. For those of you who did see Project x, let it be known that warning the neighbors does not result in burning down your house or watching your neighbor punch a kid in the face on your front porch. I have been doing this for quite some time and it's never failed to work for me. Be perfectly straightforward with them. Say something along the lines of, "Hey Mr(s). *enternamehere*, I just wanted to let you know that I'm throwing a party next door. There will be alcohol involved and in case we get too rowdy or loud, I wanted you to have my cell phone number so you can either stop by or call me and let me know that we're getting out of control. I accept full responsibility for my friends and I apologize in advance for any inconvenience we might cause." Sound like the responsible adult we know you're not, but your neighbors will respect your straightforwardness and not call the cops on you.

Step 3: Movin' on Up
This might be one of the most important steps to this process. Before you move anything---tables, chairs, sofas etc., you MUST document everything exactly the way it was when your parents left the house. Take photos of every angle, every item everywhere. If your mom is anything like mine, she has a thousand useless yet "priceless" trinkets on the shelves and I like to move all of them so nothing gets broken. I take pictures of everything from the kitchen counters to the garage to kitchen table. Take DETAILED photos of everything. I kid you not this has saved my ass on multiple occasions. My parents never know that I've thrown a party because A) they know I hate cleaning and B) everything is exactly the same as when they left. Even if they question what you did all weekend, as long as you keep saying "does it look like I had a party in here?" then you should be in the clear.

Step 4: Prep
There's always that one person who's going to drink way too damn much and puke over everything. It's always good to know who this person is and if they're attending so you can prepare the house for it. I have one friend who has puked on my couch. I'll refrain from giving her name (for now. there might be a story about that night later. muhahaha) but when she gets all hyper emotional, she likes to drink more than everyone and ends up throwing up wherever she is. Since then I know that if she is coming, I will wrap my couch cushions in saran wrap. This precaution is to prevent any spills or throw ups from getting on your mom's sparkly amazing furniture. Another tip is to tape large table cloths onto the ground in the kitchen or if you have hardwood floors. This way clean up is minimal and you don't have to worry about the ground being too sticky. I like to go to the 99 cent store and stock up on my shit because it's cheap and it works. 

Step 5: Shopping
It's always good to have a variety of liquids at a party. Water and soda for the sober crowd, mixers and various types of alcohol for people who know what's up. It's always good to tell people to BYOB but let's be real---it doesn't always happen. It's always good to have a little hard alcohol on hand but you can't go wrong with a 30-rack of Coors.  Even if you don't like beer people will appreciate the gesture and tell their friends to bring liquor. One very important expenditure: make sure you have plenty of ice and cups. It never hurts to buy more cups than you need because you never know what might happen. Maybe everyone wants to start up a game of flip cup? or beer pong? Just make sure that you have plenty of everything to accommodate your guests. Tip: If you're getting cups for beer pong---go to any store but the .99 cent store. You want to get 18oz cups. Solo cups are always your best bet. And they come in more colors than red. Who knew?

Step 6: Party time
Drink up and mingle. 

And there ya go. It's that easy. Just use the photos you took of everything the day before and put your house back together. Swiffer wet jet the floors, vacuum the house, clean up the bathroom, all that good stuff. And if you want to make a few extra dollars, collect your cans and bottles and take them to your nearest recycling center. It may not be a full reimbursement of all the money and time you spent but hey, did you have a good time? You're welcome. So good luck young partiers. Make me proud. And invite me to your party. I'll bring booze.

  Look how much money I got back last week! I'm rich, bitch!

Why is this not funny?

A few months ago my friend Matt posted a video (I'll show it to you later) to my Facebook page with an additional comment that stated "I think you'll like this lady if you don't already". The video was created by internet comedian Grace Helbig on her YouTube channel DailyGrace. As I watched it, I did not find myself laughing like I do when I watch the great Jenna Marbles. The most DailyGrace got out of me was a smirk and possibly a chuckle. In theory, this girl should have made me laugh but for whatever reason it did not. I decided to watch another one of her videos and found that although I did not find her funny, I wanted to watch all of her videos because she has 400+ of them. Thus began the great watch-every-Daily-Grace-video journey. I began from the oldest posted video and have started to work my way up. What makes this mission a bit difficult is that she uploads 1 new video a day so I'm in a constant state of catch up.
Each day of the week has a different theme or focus. Tuesdays are "New Viewser Alert" days where Grace comments on her viewers comments and "hazes" them. Her version of hazing is not what one thinks of when they think of hazing. She attempts to make fun of their username or whatever they said in their comment but it's just not funny to me. On Wednesdays she reviews things like fashion or movies or books. Thursdays are how-to days, which mostly consist of Grace creating types of food that she makes up and usually ends with her just throwing shit into a bowl and calling it food. Fridays are known as "Sexy Fridays" where she rarely talks about sexy things. Every once in awhile she'll post a video on a Monday but those are usually just random tidbits of information. 
As of today, I am on video number 80. Lately I've been more than eager to stop watching her videos so I try and do something else with my time. I usually watch at least 10 videos before I go to bed but I have to add some JMarbs in there to make me laugh out loud.
As unfunny as Grace is, I don't not like her. She has a very likable personality and she's goofy, not unlike my friends. And I'm sure in real life she's a riot but I don't know. You guys can be the judge. Below is the video that Matt sent me, entitled "VODKA OR GET THE F*** OUT". I don't have a problem with vulgar words, that's simply in the title. Fuck. See? Anyway watch and don't laugh.

Do you see what I'm saying or am I just crazy? 

I've found that for the most part if I watch her sober, not funny but if I watch her when I'm drunk or buzzed I tend to laugh more. You should experiment with this. Unless you're under 21. Then don't drink. That's badnewsbears. Here's an example of a video that made me laugh when I was completely smashed one night.

I know I've embedded this whole "DailyGrace is not funny" thing into your heads but recently I've found a couple of them that have actually made me laugh when sober.  

That one just makes me laugh because she's drinking a straight bottle of gin. And no one likes straight gin. Unless you're hardcore. And I am not that hardcore.

I was mostly just impressed with her Taylor Swift, Nicki Minaj, Zooey Deschanel, Kristen Stewart, Adele, and most importantly her Chelsea Handler impression. 

I think I've come to the conclusion that DailyGrace is only tailored to drunk people or people who drink pretty often. Which makes sense as to why I find her really funny all of a sudden. Not because I'm drunk all the time, but because since summer started my drinking has been increased by like...50%. Granted I drank a lot before school ended but now it's like...every day. Or every other day. This is awkward now. I have to go shower and get ready for happy hour. Until next time!

The Great Literature Debate of This Generation.

The publication of J.K. Rowling's novel Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (...Philosopher's Stone for all you Brits) was the beginning of a cultural literature movement that revolutionized the young adult fantasy genre. The first 3 books of Rowling's epic 7 novel saga came out when I was 8 years old and I like to think that they are the reason why 14 years later, I  read  just about any book that I can get my hands on. Obviously there were many other young adult fantasy novels before the publication of Harry Potter, but I feel like the craze did not really begin until Rowling put pen to paper. With the help of the top grossing film versions of the books, it is rare to find someone who does not know the Harry Potter storyline. These books paved the way for the young adult fantasy genre as we know it today. It's almost as if without Rowling's work, we would not know Stephanie Meyer's Twilight saga or the newest young adult craze, Suzanne Collins' Hunger Games trilogy. Without that first spark, those flames would not have caught fire.  With that being said, it's time to get down to the ever popular question: 

Which series is better?

I have read each of the 3 series' (well, almost. I've been about halfway through Catching Fire (HG) for about a month now, but I'll get to that later) and have narrowed my opinion of each series down to a few bulletpoints and general comments. For those of you who have not read the books or seen the movies, or those of you who are currently reading the books and don't want to know what happens, I will announce this here: *SPOILER ALERT!* If you continue reading this post you will know the basic storyline (beginning to end) of each series whether you want to or not. So if you don't want to know anything about them, I suggest you leave now. Or watch this educational video on Landsharks. 

Harry Potter

• - Wizards leave an orphaned baby on the doorstep of his asshole uncle and bitch of an aunt. He has a lightening bolt shaped scar on his head. It's pretty rad. His name is Harry. They make him live in a cupboard under the stairs. Not so rad.
• - When he's 11 he finds out he's a wizard, his parents were killed by an evil dude named Voldemort, no one says his name they just call him things like "You-Know-Who" and "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named" but when Voldy turned his wand on Harry, the curse rebounded due to Harry's mother's undying love for her son and Voldy essentially becomes some type of spirit thing and has been in hiding or dead for 10 years. 
• - Harry decides to go away to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

• - For the next 6 books, Harry attends Hogwarts with his 2 bff's Ron and Hermione. They get involved into all sorts of crazy shit like giant spiders, cracked out government leaders, dudes called Death Eaters, dementors (crazy soul sucking creatures who feed off of fear) and of course ol' Voldemort himself. And fancy dances and love triangles, of course.
• - End of book 6: Harry's mentor dies. He finds out that Voldy's soul has been separated into a gajillion pieces called Horcruxes and he must find the pieces and kill them. Only then can Voldy be killed.
• - Book 7 was epic. By far the best in the series. I don't even count it as part of the series, just it's own separate entity. Book 7 is the only book that does not primarily take place at Hogwarts. It takes place all over fuckin' England. Harry, Ron, and Hermione spend most of book 7 finding the Horcruxes and destroying them. The whole thing is intense. Rowling pretty much killed off a good chunk of characters in the first 2 chapters. It was awesome (Except for Hedwig. That was sad). 
• - In the end it's a showdown throwdown between Harry and Voldy. Ultimately, Harry dies, then comes back to life, then kills Voldy. 

I've read all of these books multiple times, and with each book I have noticed a distinct growth in Rowling's writing. Book 1 was written well, but it was clear that she hadn't quite perfected her style yet but when you look at book 7, it's a masterpiece. It was almost as if she was growing alongside Harry & co. The more you read the later books, the more you realize that she really found her style and it's strong and it's good. She has a way with keeping you on the edge of your seat and when the tension breaks, you feel the relief that the character's in the story feel. I will admit that I teared up a little when Dumbledore died. I don't know many people who could not feel that sadness that Harry felt. When the author's writing is good, you feel like you're apart of the story no matter how unrealistic the storyline is.

Twilight

• - Moody, teenage girl girl named Bella moves out of her mom's in the desert to her dad's in Forks, Washington because her mom's a cougar and snagged a young dude on a minor league baseball team and they're moving to Florida.  Not too close with her dad.
• - Reunites with her dad's best friend's son Jacob and they become good friends. He's an Indian. 
• - Goes to school, notices  5 supermodel-esque people sitting in a corner in the cafeteria, one of them in particular catches her eye. 
• - She's told that they are the Cullen family and even though they're all adopted, 4 out of the 5 are dating each other. Notices the one she thinks is a stud muffin is staring at her.  His name is Edward. Finds out he's her biology lab partner. He sits down next to her and the look on his face is like "you smell like shit but I'm trying to be polite and say nothing". As soon as the bell rings, he leaves and doesn't come back to school for like a week. Finally when he gets back he apologizes to her for being so awkward and they get their flirt on.
• - She almost gets killed, he uses superhuman strength and speed to save her, she's confused as hell. Eventually she discovers that he and his whole family are a clan of vampires. They don't burn in the sun, they just have super sparkly skin that looks like diamonds. 
•   - The Indians are not fans of the Cullens. They know that they're vampires. Indians turn out to be werewolves who turn out to actually be shapeshifters who just happen to turn into wolves. 
• - Edward or Jacob, Edward or Jacob---Bella must choose who she wants to be with. This  subplot goes on for books 1-3 as well as the vampire hunting Bella and an ancient family of vampires who want to kill her for her knowledge of their world if Eddy doesn't turn her into one of them (predominantly book 4). 
• - Book 4: Eddy and Bella get hitched. She wants sex. He doesn't want to hurt her. They screw anyway. Finds out her eggo is preggo with a vamp-human halvsie. It's growing at a super fast rate and eating her from the inside out. Meanwhile the old vamps are coming to Forks to kill her, and the wolves all hate Jake because he ran from the pack to help the vamps. Gives birth to a halvsie baby who's given an atrocious name that I am too lazy to look up how to spell. Bella dies during childbirth, Eddy bites her a shit ton of times to try and save her, she becomes a vamp. Now the old vampires are coming for her monster child. 
• - Jake "imprints" on the kid (he pretty much fell in love with her. Not in like an "aw you're adorable" way but like a "let's bone when you're legal" way) and a shitload of shit happens and they all live happily ever after. 

I wanted to like these books, I really did. The thought of such a dramatic change in the vampire persona was an interesting concept to me, but the more I read the more I wished for the possibility to reach into a book and punch Bella and Edward in their faces. The writing was awful. I have read that Stephanie Meyer has written other award winning books before the sparkly gay vampire books and that they were much better but I find that hard to believe due to her terribly simple style. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of the simple writing style. Hemingway and Salinger---fucking genius'! Basic and to the point when it comes to writing is just fine, but her presentation was just all wrong. As  a reader, I could not identify with any of the characters. They were all just so dramatic and so emotional. They just all deserved to be bitch slapped.  And why so many subplots? I understand that the books were pretty much just all about Edward and Bella's forbidden love but GODDAMN why do there have to be a billion tiny little subplots within the one simple plot? The 3rd book was probably my favorite, mostly because there's a battle scene. The 4th book was damn near impossible to get through. Reading it was like nails on a chalkboard. I will never understand how she won awards for writing. I blame the Mormons.

The Hunger Games

• - Girl named Katniss living in the dystopian country of Panam that's separated into 12 districts (technically 13 but one was destroyed).  Each district has a different focus. Katniss lives in District 12, the poorest district, which focuses mainly on coal.
• - Has a best friend named Gale (it's a dude) and lives with her little sister and cracked out mom. Dad died in a freak mining accident years before. Mom's been in a state of shock ever since.
• - Hunger Games: take place once a year. 12-18 year olds are entered into it. after age 12 entered in a bunch more times. A boy and girl from each district are chosen, cleaned up and paraded around like a show pony, then put into an arena controlled by a group of "gamemakers" and must fight to the death.  All of this is aired on live TV all around the country. Everyone watches it at all times.
• - Katniss' sister is chosen and she volunteers to take her place. Katniss and a boy named Peeta are the "tributes" from District 12. They have a weird history. She was starving and he threw her a loaf of bread in the rain when they were little once. Magical.
• - They get ready to compete with the other tributes. They go on a talk-show type thing and Peeta tells the world that he's had a crush on Katniss ever since they were small children. She gets pissed off. She digs Gale.
• - Enter the arena. Lots of fighting and death and blood. Peeta is badly injured. Katniss helps him get better. They get hot and heavy in a cave for a few days. Gamemakers announce that the rules have changed and if a District has both tributes stay alive until the end, then they both win and don't have to kill each other. Katniss and Peeta end up being the surviving underdogs. Gamemakers change the rules at the last second and say that there can only be one winner. Katniss decides that they should eat some poisonous thing so that way neither of them will win. Right before they eat it the gamemakers change their minds and they both win.
• - Katniss' disobedience sparks revolutions in other districts. The country's president warns her to watch her step because he's out to get her or something.
• - Book 2 they have to get back in the area. Revolutions all over the damn place. 
• - Katniss: Gale or Peeta? Gale or Peeta?
• - Gale dies. Her sister dies at the end of book 3 (OMG IRONY!). She and Peeta end up together. The world is at peace.

As I said earlier, I have not finished the series. I made a bet with a friend as to how it was going to end and when they finished it they told me how it ended. Oh, I won.

As much as I liked the first book, I've been having a hard time getting into the 2nd one. My best friend just finished it and told me that After I get passed the part of the book that I'm at, the book gets more exciting. So far all Katniss has done is repeat herself over. And over. And over. I got bored. Other than that I have a deep respect for Suzanne Collins. The first book was fairly well written and very entertaining albeit being a little too predictable for my taste. I intend on finishing the series at some point. Hopefully I can finish the 2nd book within the next week. The love subplot is not too straightforward and that's a big reason why I liked the 1st book. Katniss kind of does her own thing and although I think she has a good head on her shoulders, she also is very naive. But hey, she's like 16. So that makes sense. Overall, Collins' writing is good. She explains all of her fictional terms to the reader in subtle ways while at the same time making it easy for the reader to understand how the fictional world of Panam functions without making it seem too modern. In a way, it's kind of a realistic approach to the future. 

And the winner is...

Harry Potter of course. I don't even need to go into an explanation as to why it's the winner. The Hunger Games trilogy is good but the repetition is a little too distracting. The character's flow well together and the reader can really feel the tension between the Peeta-Katniss-Gale love triangle. The clear loser is Twilight. Meyer's poor attempt and making a realistic fantasy is just too...blah. The love triangle plot is just too overwhelming and it takes away from just about every other part of the story.  

As I wrote this, I thought of doing a comparison of the movie versions of the books. But alas, this post is long enough so I will save that for another day. 

Update: apparently I was lied to and Gale doesn't die. I think that's kind of lame and gives me less of an incentive to read the book. But I'll most likely read it when I get it back from my friend anyway.

A Blog About the Birth of a Blog.

My blogging began in my senior year of high school. I kept up with it for about a year until my short attention span got the better of me and I started making myself busy with other things (drinking, reading, more drinking, movie watching, school, more drinking, etc.) so I stopped blogging for a good 4 years.

In November 2011, it was suggested by a friend that I start one up because I have a ton of random stories and apparently I'm funny (According to other people. I don't think I'm that funny.) and this way my friends as well as random strangers over the internet would be able to get a small peek into the robotic machinery known as my brain.

So I thought "why not just delete all the old posts and re-do the whole site so I don't have to start it over again?" but when I attempted to do so, I ran into a bit of a problem. Over the years I had stopped using the email address that I had registered the original blog with because A) it was retarded and B) I forgot the password to said blog account as well as the email account's password. So instead, I started up another one. I wrote two drafts (still in my drafts folder) and never officially published them. In between work, school, and my super popular social status, I never found the time to edit and post them. After a few months of resistance and lack of motivation to actually follow through with this thing (and because Netflix has decided to hate me today), I've decided that it's about time I actually start doing something somewhat productive. So, here I am, internet. I'm not sure where I'm going to go with this but if I can keep up with it maybe something will come out of it. I'm thinking it'll be a combination of "Drunxican Tales" as I like to call them and the random shit that pops into my cerebral cortex. 

With any luck and some actual motivation, I will post at least a few times a week (Bruins', I expect you to nag the shit out of me about this until I start posting out of habit) so all of my 2 readers will know about my life and have a more efficient way of stalking me. As for the two drafts I had previously written, I might post one of them eventually. We'll see what happens. Stay tuned, nignogs.