Red Solo Cup.

I know that a lot of people would not pride themselves on living at home at the ripe old age of 22., but I like to think that living at home at my age is smart. I don't have to pay for anything. My parents don't make me pay rent, buy groceries, pay car insurance, pay the phone and internet bill---nothing. There are a couple of downsides to living at home but one that I find most irritating is my ability to throw my own party. With that being said, this post is dedicated to those of you who still live at home and can only throw an intimate gathering with intimate friends when their parentals have vacated the premises. 
You see, I like to party. A lot. Not necessarily get shitfaced but you know, party. When my parents are out of town, I like to have a few friends over to drink and shoot the shit. So today I'm going to tell you how to throw a party without your parents finding out. As a reference, I've thrown 5+ parties or kickbacks in the last 3 years and I've only gotten caught once. There was a good reason for that though. It was my 21st birthday, it was a Tuesday, and a few of us were driving to Oregon the next day so our clean up time was kind of limited.
Anyways, back to the subject. There are a few simple steps to throwing a party and not letting anyone of authority find out. I know what you're thinking, "throw a small kickback instead of a huge party", and the answer is no. You can do either a big party or just a small thing and not get caught. I'm not saying throw a Project X party or anything (although if you do---be sure to send an invite my way) but I'm saying it's not impossible. Let me be clear: this is NOT for theme parties. I mean you can use these tips for theme parties, but a couple of other things go into it. I, myself find that throwing themed parties are a pain in the ass so I simply don't throw them. So without further ado, let's get down to the nitty gritty. 

Step 1: The Guest List.
When working on a guest list, there are a few things that you have to consider. The first of which is how many people you want at your house. If you want to throw a party party, the it's 20 people minimum. That's not just a number I made up---it's a party rule that most people go by. Any less then 20 people means it's a kickback. 
The next thing to consider is WHO to invite. I tend to do this in 3 waves. First I think about my closest friends---the people I talk to on a weekly basis. The people you invite everywhere you go; your posse. For me that's about 8 people. The next wave of people should be the people who have invited you to their events. The people you don't talk to all the time, but you still consider them friends. The final wave should consist of people you rarely talk to but would like to see more often. Old high school friends, people from class, people from work etc. Had a crush on the same cute guy or girl for quite some time but don't feel comfortable enough to ask them out? Why not invite them? Worst case scenario you don't hook up with them, but they remember that you asked them to hang out so maybe they'll return the favor. Best case scenario: you do hook up with them. Everyone wins.

Step 2: The Warning
Now this is something that most people don't think of doing, but I try to do everytime I have people over. Talking to the neighbors. For those of you who did see Project x, let it be known that warning the neighbors does not result in burning down your house or watching your neighbor punch a kid in the face on your front porch. I have been doing this for quite some time and it's never failed to work for me. Be perfectly straightforward with them. Say something along the lines of, "Hey Mr(s). *enternamehere*, I just wanted to let you know that I'm throwing a party next door. There will be alcohol involved and in case we get too rowdy or loud, I wanted you to have my cell phone number so you can either stop by or call me and let me know that we're getting out of control. I accept full responsibility for my friends and I apologize in advance for any inconvenience we might cause." Sound like the responsible adult we know you're not, but your neighbors will respect your straightforwardness and not call the cops on you.

Step 3: Movin' on Up
This might be one of the most important steps to this process. Before you move anything---tables, chairs, sofas etc., you MUST document everything exactly the way it was when your parents left the house. Take photos of every angle, every item everywhere. If your mom is anything like mine, she has a thousand useless yet "priceless" trinkets on the shelves and I like to move all of them so nothing gets broken. I take pictures of everything from the kitchen counters to the garage to kitchen table. Take DETAILED photos of everything. I kid you not this has saved my ass on multiple occasions. My parents never know that I've thrown a party because A) they know I hate cleaning and B) everything is exactly the same as when they left. Even if they question what you did all weekend, as long as you keep saying "does it look like I had a party in here?" then you should be in the clear.

Step 4: Prep
There's always that one person who's going to drink way too damn much and puke over everything. It's always good to know who this person is and if they're attending so you can prepare the house for it. I have one friend who has puked on my couch. I'll refrain from giving her name (for now. there might be a story about that night later. muhahaha) but when she gets all hyper emotional, she likes to drink more than everyone and ends up throwing up wherever she is. Since then I know that if she is coming, I will wrap my couch cushions in saran wrap. This precaution is to prevent any spills or throw ups from getting on your mom's sparkly amazing furniture. Another tip is to tape large table cloths onto the ground in the kitchen or if you have hardwood floors. This way clean up is minimal and you don't have to worry about the ground being too sticky. I like to go to the 99 cent store and stock up on my shit because it's cheap and it works. 

Step 5: Shopping
It's always good to have a variety of liquids at a party. Water and soda for the sober crowd, mixers and various types of alcohol for people who know what's up. It's always good to tell people to BYOB but let's be real---it doesn't always happen. It's always good to have a little hard alcohol on hand but you can't go wrong with a 30-rack of Coors.  Even if you don't like beer people will appreciate the gesture and tell their friends to bring liquor. One very important expenditure: make sure you have plenty of ice and cups. It never hurts to buy more cups than you need because you never know what might happen. Maybe everyone wants to start up a game of flip cup? or beer pong? Just make sure that you have plenty of everything to accommodate your guests. Tip: If you're getting cups for beer pong---go to any store but the .99 cent store. You want to get 18oz cups. Solo cups are always your best bet. And they come in more colors than red. Who knew?

Step 6: Party time
Drink up and mingle. 

And there ya go. It's that easy. Just use the photos you took of everything the day before and put your house back together. Swiffer wet jet the floors, vacuum the house, clean up the bathroom, all that good stuff. And if you want to make a few extra dollars, collect your cans and bottles and take them to your nearest recycling center. It may not be a full reimbursement of all the money and time you spent but hey, did you have a good time? You're welcome. So good luck young partiers. Make me proud. And invite me to your party. I'll bring booze.

  Look how much money I got back last week! I'm rich, bitch!