Life At Sea Continued

Ok here's part two of my vacation. 

Day 8
-We're on the island of Kauai today. No one in my family has an actual plan for what they want to do.
-This tourguide laughs too much at his own jokes. 
-Waterfaaaaaall. I have a mix of the Jurassic Park and Indiana Jones theme songs running through my head
-Peaceful island with no nightlife? The bars close at midnight? Super low crime rates? Yup this is not the island for me.
-ERMAHGERD CERFEE FERM
-Banana Nut Crunch should never be made into a coffee flavor
-ERMAHGERD SHERT GLERSSERS
-Some Spanish speaking people on the bus keep trying to take everyones seats and started talking crap on my Aunt Des in Spanish. She replied back in Spanish and the girl just about shit her pants. If my mom was on the bus it would be an all out brawl. We're Los Angeles Mexicans---we don't play.
-Ok you survived a hurricane in 1992 we get it now shut up 
-There are so many damn chickens on this island
-Jurassic Park!!!! That's the mountain!!!! I'd know this vantage point from anywhere!!!!
-Indiana Jones!!!! The beginning of the movie with the sea plane in the water!!! 
-A random cave in the side of the mountain!!!
Everyone I'm with is falling asleep because this guy is so boring...
-We should've just roamed about the town all day...
-Real Hawaiian shaved ice is a snack among gods. Shaved ice at home will never be the same.
-Naturally, we've ended up at a Mexican restaraunt. Beer time bonding with Dad.
-Scratch that. Beergarita time with Dad. This is the only way that I can get him to drink tequila with me.
-MEXICAN BITCH I'M 22! LEARN TO READ A FUCKING ID! DO NOT DENY ME MY TEQUILA JUST BECAUSE OF THAT GODDAMN RED STRIPE! LOOK AT THE FUCKING NUMBERS ON THE FUCKING RED LINE
-That's the first time someone has questioned my ID and try to deny me a drink. Apparently illegal Mexicans come to Hawaii to open up shitty Mexican restaraunts.
-Rest of the family joins for a drink, shitty quesadillas, and booger-like store bought guacamole
-I'm 90% that this black lady is a dude.
-The stupid metal detector went off on the way back to the ship. Time to get frisked by the port authority lady. 
-SMALL ASIAN BITCH THE WAND BEEPED AROUND MY EMPTY BACK POCKET, NOT MY SHOES OR MY BOOBS. KEEP TOUCHING THEM AND YOU WILL GET A SWIFT KICK TO THE CHEST
-Pre-dinner drink with Dad? Pre-dinner drink with Dad.
-Everyone stresses to get ready for dinner an hour before. I read until 5:15 then throw on a different shirt and head down to the dining room by 5:30. BAM simplicity.
-DKRDKRDKRDKRDKRDKR (Dark Knight Rises)
-The ending of this movie always pisses me off. But I still dig it.
-First night so far that I've actually gotten tired early. It's only 10:20
-Almost fell into the shower while trying to put on my really oversized pj pants. Now my pj pants are wet and huge.
-Fuck now I can't sleep because the boat keeps rocking.

Day 9
-Me: hahahaha
Aunt Linda: what?
Me: A city bus ran into sinkhole in Oceanside
Aunt Linda: Where is Oceanside?
Me: About a half hour from San Diego
Aunt Linda: The bus was in Palos Verdes?
Me: No. In Oceanside.
-Breakfast today consists of 5 different types of eggs, some bacon, a hashbrown, and fruit. I feel like a friend of mine before he joined the Army. We'd go to Denny's and he'd eat eight plates of different styled eggs.
-Oh god we're not even off the boat yet and our family is fighting with old people who can't follow directions. We're Mexican people, we have a big family. Deal with it and get behind us.
-Another day, another tour bus filled with old people.
-Ohhhh a sharktoothed knife battle thingy. It looks like a paddle and tied around it are sharp shark teeth. I need one of these.
-Oooh a mountain! With a jungle! I want to explore it!
-My father does not understand why I want to walk into the forbidden zone. I know the sign says "don't go beyond this point" but I need to know what's back there in the woods.
-ATUNNELBUILTINTOTHEMOUNTAIN! I AM ON A BUS INSIDE OF A MOUNTAIN! This is too exciting.
-This looks like the bridge/mountainy pass area from the 2011 film Cabin in the Woods.
-Pearl Harbor. All I can think of is the word AMERICA. And Kate.
-I wish we had more time here. I wanted to go on the submarine. Sadface emoticon.
-We're at Hilo Hatties. My dad has been calling it "Hello Hotties" for this whole trip.
-I really need to stop buying shot glasses. 
-We're on this bus heading to Waikiki. No one knows if we're getting off yet. As a group, a decision has not been made.
-Nope. We're just riding in circles.
-Please don't start a fight on the bus family please don't start a fight on the bus
-Shopping shopping shopping. I just want a beer.
-SUNGLASSES! I WOULD find them at the end of the trip. Typical.
-Sitting on the deck with everyone just watching George Michael on the big screen. That's normal.
-"Manuel, why are you trying to kill your mother via elevator doors?"
-Me: a Coors Light and a Dos Equis please
Guy: *brings me a bottle, a can, and a cup of ice*
Me: Ummmm can you dump the ice out? Ice doesn't typically go with beer.
-Dad's using a rail as a shelf to hold up his empty beer can. It's not working so well.
-Dad: you know I just want to have a day where we start out drinking slowly and throughout the day just keep drinking and drinking until we can't drink no more.
Me: I feel a challenge coming on.
Dad: First to get drunk loses?
Me: Challenge accepted. Tomorrow?
Dad: Probably
-I'm pretty sure that everyone in the buffet hates us. We've been laughing and arguing for 10 minutes.
-Me and Manuel are trying to convince Bernadette to go with us to the Skywalker Lounge Nightclub.
-SUCCESS! Three of us plus Aunt Des!
-This place has all the makings of a strip club.
-This girl dancing is hilarious. We call her Zumba. She does crazy dances and looks at herself in the window reflection. She's the only person on the dance floor. Her wardrobe for clubbing consists of workout tights and a cheap looking sparkly tank top
-Even the servers can't stop laughing at her
-They make pretty good Lynchburg Lemonades here. I'm surprised.
-Manuel and Bernadette: best dancers on the floor. People tried to join in and couldn't hang.
-Manny: Can you do the Cupid Shuffle?
Me: No. Can you shuffle? It was pretty popular over the summer
Manny: If it was over the summer then it hasn't reached Kentucky yet
-Oh god. More snoring and farting. I miss my room. 
-Oh god the boat is moving a lot again. I hate boats.

Day 10
-They just woke me up saying that it's lunchtime. It's only 10:15. Liars.
-I got out of the shower and Aunt Linda was gone. She looked like she had just gotten back from the gym...oooook then...
-We took over the lunch buffet with an array of pasta and fruit. We like to get our health on.
-Spiny fruit? What the crap? That looks dangerous.
-*One of our dinner waiters walks by* "ROCHELLE ROCHELLE!" -Bernadette
-Time to tan. And read.
-Fuuuuuuck it's windy as shit!
-Hours later I'm done with one book and have moved on to another. And now I'm about halfway to getting as dark as I was in my drivers license picture
-Dinner tiiiiime
-Everyone got 3 lobsters...
-And 2 desserts...
-"HEY I JUST MET YOU! AND THIS IS CRAZY!" That's my jam!
-"THIS PLACE ABOUT TO BLOW-OOOHOHOH"
-"They're illusions Michael!"
-We're watching an illusionist. He's pretty good. I want to know if he's been to Hogwarts.  
-I'm 87% sure that this song is by Eiffel 65. I blame Matt and David.
-WHAT THE? Where the hades did she go?
-Bernadette watches too much reality tv and just ruined the trick for me...
-Chillin in a lounge reading. 
-This girl is good. Her name is Celine Diaz. She must take after her namesake. 
-Motown night at the nightclub and the whole family's going!
-This Lynchberg does not taste as good as it did yesterday.
-The server heard me tell me cousin that it was weak, took it to the bar and poured more whiskey in it...at least it tastes good now
-Aunt Linda...stop climbing on the railing of the dance floor to get a picture of us...
-These old Asian ladies and the black man-woman I saw a few days ago are gold. We shall call him/her: Mistersister.
-Aunt Linda is THAT crazy lady taking video and photos of everyone dancing.
-Bernie looks sad so I'm going to buy her a shot in secret.
-"I call dibs on the flannel"-Bernadette
-Oh hey now she's dancing. I am a genius.
-Stop trying to get me to dance. It'll take me a lot more whiskey to dance.
-ZUMBA SIGHTING ON THE DANCEFLOOR
-Picture of Bernadette and Zumba dancing. Mission, accomplished.
-We're watching Zumba talk to Single Guy at the bar.
-MOTHER FUCKING GANGNAM STYLE! I knew I shouldn't have told Manny that I knew how to do it.
-Oh god I'm dying. I was not prepared for that. Can't breathe...too much booze on this cruise...I usually drink more water than booze in general but I've had two-five drinks a day since we left San Pedro...I'm not properly hydrated for this...
-Zumba and Single Guy have vacated. I hope they have protection
-Me and Manuel requested "Sandstorm." It's time to party.
-Oh god calf cramp calf cramp
-Water and keep it coming
-"I'm pretty sure he's gay. Someone said hi to him and he was like 'oh heeeeeey!' "---Bernadette about flannel guy
-I'm lying in bed and my calf is still tight. Tomorrow: I drink nothing but water. In between my alcohol of course.

Day 11
-87% sure that I pulled a muscle. Because my calf still hurts. I can't win on this cruise.
-Zumba is at lunch at the table next to us! She has what looks like a hickey on her neck. We think she left the club with Single Guy last night.
-We're following her to the sushi bar to investigate. And because we want sushi.
-It's a burn mark not a hickey. Abort mission repeat abort mission!
-Attempting to tan and read but there's so much wind. Almost lose my book whilst holding it.
-Move to top deck. Some people are ice carving. BALD DUDE MOVE OUT OF THE WAY
-Zumba is sitting next to us on the barstools overlooking the pool. Act. Natural.
-Buy drink of the day for me and madre
-Me: Try it
Bernadette: It has blue it has blue!
Me: Oh you'll be ok
B: *Sips* All I taste is blue.
Me: Because all you sucked up was blue from the bottom. Look at the straw.
B: I KNEW IT
-She's participating in the pool games!
-Helping Bernadette with her sock-bun hairstyle is a 3 person job.
-Finished with drink. Place empty cup outside the persons door opposite Bernie and Manny's room.
-Back up top: We watch Zumba do some ridiculous dance moves in the pool.
-Zumba's team lost. Her real name: Andra? Andrea? Abetha?
-Zumba why are you flipping into the pool?
-Is that Single Guy? No, this guy's a ginger
-Zumba left her keycard in her bathingsuit during the games and now she's lost it. Brilliant.
-"Zumba please fix your butt"---Bernadette
-She found the keycard and came out of the water holding it up in the air like "TA-DA!!" Zumba no one's watching you. Except for us.
-Zumba why are you wearing a towel like a cape? Oooh flirt with that guy!
-Sharing a bucket of beer with dad
-"Where's Aunt Linda?" "Over there looking for whales"
-Me and Bernie just got iced coffee. And I also have a beer in hand. And I also might've gotten a shot of Kaluha in my coffee.
-B: On new years eve let's sleep in, get coffee before lunch, coffee after lunch, coffee before and after dinner, and coffee before we party so we can stay up all night.
-So this interaction with sudoku, an elevator, and my right foot on our way back up to the sundeck kind of went like this: 
B: Oooh is the library on this floor?
Me: Yeah
B: Let me get today's puzzle for my dad!
Me: The elevator's open!
B: Hold it hold it!
*Doors start to close and the people inside are looking at me struggle with a book, a beer, and spiked coffee in my hand* 
Me: BERNIE PRESS THE BUTTON!
*Stick my right foot in between the doors just as they are about to close. Quickly take my foot out when I realize that those doors aren't stopping.*
Me: MY FOOT ALMOST GOT CHOPPED OFF
*B sticks her hand in the doors*
B: OH GOD 
*Door opens. We step inside.*
Me: *Casually* How're you people doing today?
-Top deck we're making up our own storyline to "The Artist"
-Name the dog in the movie Abner
-OH GOD NOT ABNER
-Dinner time. Our headwaiter Paula told us that we're her favorite people. 
-Get yelled at by handicapped woman for being in the handicapped bathroom. Run out the door.
-Get lost on the way back to the dining room.
-Family shots of lemon cello in shot glasses that we can keep. Aunt Linda ordered two. Oh god. This is happening.
-Rochelle keeps pouring us shots. I don't think he's supposed to do that...
-"I think he just asked me to marry him...did anyone else hear that?"-Bernadette
-"I got lemon cello sorbet because I wanted to have lemon cello like everyone else..."-Manny is only 20
- B: AUNT LINDA WHY ARE YOU GIVING MINORS ALCOHOL!
Aunt Linda: I'm not I swear! I'm just letting him have the shot glass!
Paula: I could go to jail!
Aunt Linda: We'd send you chocolate and cigarretts to barter with
-By the end of dinner Bernadette has acquired Rochelle's Facebook email and Paula said we'd get hers at the end of the trip
-This comedy show is not that funny. I can't laugh at pot jokes with my parents sitting behind me.
-Time to go to the British show. I'm pretty sure that girl said the next one started at 9:45
-We're sitting in the last half of the first show. I know all the songs but the singers don't impress me.
-Go downstairs to get a coffee
-Run into dad. He wants me to get mom a soda.
-This bartender does awesome bartending tricks! He thinks it's funny that I'm so in awe of his awesome tricks
-Find family in the casino. Tell them about the bartender. Half of us go downstairs so they can see him.
-Pitstop at the cafe. "I'm not even hungry. I just want to see how these snacks taste. Can I get this sandwich and a tiramissu?"-Aunt Linda
-Bartender does awesome tricks with ice and soda. We're making him nervous because we're a big group so he messes up a little.
-Bartender: order a real drink
Bernadette: Katie order a real drink! 
Me: pick something and I'll drink it.
B: what do you usually drink?
Me: alcohol.
B: I don't know you pick!
-He makes a killer Washington Apple using his awesome tricks
-Everyone is having their own conversations at different parts of the room. Bernie and I are swapping drunk/hangover stories. 
-It's been determined that the puking thing is a family trait. Sooo it's not just me, everyone.
-WE HAVE TO GO TO THE CLUB AND SEE IF ZUMBA'S WITH SINGLE GUY
-First re-con: Zumba's not here but Single Guy is
-We pretend to dance in our seats while we sleuth
-The Asians are back. They are now known as The Wu-Tang Clan.
-Bernadette: The Klu Klux Clan has a male friend now!
Me and Manny: What? Klu Klux Clan?
B: *points* 
Me and Manny: WU-TANG!
-We notice a creepy guy sitting in the corner
-We've lost sight of Single Guy!
-Manny: I was hoping he was in the bathroom so I stood there for an extra 5 minutes.
Bernie: What would you have said to him if he came out?
Manny: 'Hey so who's that Andra girl you were with last night? She's cute'
-We give up. We think she's on to us. Tomorrow is another day. Bed time.

Day 12
-Had a weird dream involving 2 black kids, a McChicken sandwich and some zombies in Los Alamitos.
-Everyone keeps calling me to try and get me to watch Dirty Dancing. 1) I hate that movie 2) Just let me keep sleeping
-I don't want to give the steward my laundry. I don't want weird Asian men touching my underthings. They can have a pair of jeans, a pair of socks and a tshirt.
-Everyone keeps bugging me today. Just go get food without me I don't need a fucking babysitter. I'll meet you there when I meet you there.
-We have officially formed a Rochelle fanclub
-Overall fairly boring day. Manuel and I went to see Moonrise Kingdom. None of the old people in our theater understood it. 
-Bernadette: I ran into single guy! He said hi to me!
Manny: That means tonight you have to use your charms and get the info!
Me: Yeah what's wrong with you?!?
B: Shut. Up. Then I ran into Zumba coming out of the elevator.
Us: Did you say anything to her?
B: 'Excuse me' and she said 'Oh it's ok'
Me: Did you ask her for her Facebook info? 
B: No. 'Hey I see you all the time can we be bffs?'
-AMY WINEHOUSE! hahahahaha she was coming out of the elevator and Aunt Des started pointing her out then stopped and started laughing. So much for secrecy.
-I came back to the room to read. I now have about 40 pages of The Hobbit left which I'll finish tonight.
-I was the first one at dinner. For like 15 minutes.
-My mom and dad keep asking me what's wrong. Truth be told, the closer we get to LA the more anxious I am to get home.
-We're seeing a hypnotist. That's cool.
-We're waiting for the magical bartender to arrive
-He said 9 and it's 910! Where is he?!?
-He's here! He's showing us tricks! His name is Allan
-I have mastered the cork trick. Bernadette's hands are too small.
-Time to go to the club. The hunt for Zumba continues.
-The gangs all here! Zumba, The Wu Tang Clan, MisterSister...we're only missing Single Guy
-We have so many photos of Zumba now. The photo stalking thing is a family trait.
-He's here! 
-Ooop Zumba has a friend
-She walked passed him and he looked down like 'ummm i don't know you'
-DJ Pedro likes us and invited us to his party tomorrow. Nbd.
-MisterSister is down for the count and riding the elevator down with us
-My cousins want me to dance with them tomorrow. Apparently we're going to have a routine and everything. Ugh this is going to call for a whole lot of tequila.
-My legs are so white in comparison to the rest of my body now.

Day 13
-Stop waking me up. I'll get up when I want to get up. We're not doing anything but eating. I'll be satisfied with a piece of shitty pizza.
-Everyone freaks out when I don't answer the phone. I'm in the shower leave me alone.
-We had to sit on a different side of the boat because our side was full. Everytime we saw a server from our usual side they said they missed us.
-Aunt Des snuck up behind me and snatched the pasta spoon from my hand. I threw my bows back before I realized who it was.
-Ice cream after lunch? I think yes!
-We have decided to go play the quarter crane machine in the casino. Debating whether or not to get cash out and play video poker.
-We're playing a Wheel of Fortune game. Bernadette's anxiety goes waaaay up when we win haha
-Aunt Linda keeps using her foot to press the 'place bet button'
-Oh god now it's her knee
-I wish I was not seriously witnessing her make kissy noises and kind of make out with this machine.
-Oh god now she's crouching on the stool and using her butt to press the button. Manny got it on video. I'll have him send it to me so I can show you guys how 100% serious I am.
-Reading and listening to Deadmau5 to pump me up until it's time to get ready for dinner
-Aunt Linda: we're supposed to be leaving in 12 minutes.
Me: *Gets ready in 3 minutes.* Ok I'm going to go hang out in Bernie and Manuel's room until we leave.
-Going down with the parents. It's formal night so we were supposed to be ready by 5 for photos. It's 5:15 and no one is ready. Dinner is at 5:30.
-We're always the rowdiest people in the dining room.
-A table full of people got sick and left. Now hazmat guys are cleaning up the mess. What?
-We realize that the Wu Tang Clan is sitting next to them. We think this was a conspiracy.
-Over dinner Manuel, Bernadette and I have agreed on the evenings plans. NYE Plan A: we stand in the Piazza and watch the balloons drop. Then get the champagne we had sent to our rooms and go to Skywalkers Nightclub to drink and dance the night away. NYE Plan B: if we can't find a spot in the Piazza, we head straight to Skywalkers and celebrate there
-Picture time
-Piazza's full. To Skywalkers we go!
-We're the first people here. It's 8:30 and the party in here doesn't start until 10.
-Everyone: Katie, you promised us dancing
Me: Let's be real, I'm going to need a few drinks first.
-Me, Dad and Bernie go down to the nearest bar to get 6 drinks of the day. This guy poured an extra shot in each drink for us for free. Where was he this whole time?!?
- I drank 2 and dad drank 2.
-I do not like pinapple wine
-HEY I JUST MET YOU
-I'm being judged for my knowledge of Gaga. GAGAAAAAAAAA
-I have gotten a Desperado. Shot and a half of tequila, a dash of lime juice, the rest is Dos Equis. 
-Desperado #2. Only because the bartender didn't know how to make an Adios. I need one when I get home. A good one.
-Oh god. Gangnam Style.
-A half hour later, we've come back to the parents because it's time for the countdown!
-HAPPY NEW YEAR! 
-Back to dancing.
-Oh god it's roughly 2:30 am and we just got back. Dad's drunk. He promised that tomorrow we're both getting wasted. Bernie taught him the macarena. Everyone is shocked I kept up with Manuel and his smooth moves longer than Bernie could. Manuel and I had to prevent Bernadette from throwing a punch at this dude on the dancefloor. I'm 5'7 and Manuel is well over 6ft. Once that guy saw that the two of us were holding that tiny 5'3ish girl back he backed off. She can get crazy.
-I'm going to take a shower and read. I'm going to be so sore in the morning.

Day 14
-After dinner: Bernie dropped a mint, Dad bent down to pick it up and fell over. We laughed. He got up, dropped his glasses, bent down and fell into a wall.
-It's currently 9:24pm. It's been a boring day. I woke up, went to breakfast, came back, went to sleep through lunch, watched as the boat pulled into the motherland, got attacked by some seagulls, bought some pictures, ate some ice cream, dinner, packed, now I'm reading until we go to the club for DJ Pedro's farewell party. I slept all day in anticipation of tomorrows homecoming. I am so happy to finally sleep in a room alone without snoring or smelling night farts.
-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA this is the best! Manuel and Bernadette are teaching Dad to Wobble and Cupid Shuffle. I used Manuel's camera and recorded the whole thing.
-Bernie and I sneak three glasses out of the club. I took one last night too. We like their bubbly bottoms so we're keeping them. 

Isn't that better? Much more laughter and cheerfulness. Although I spent a lot of my trip sulking, stalking, and reading, I came up with a new segment that I know at least Sarah will enjoy. I need to pick a day to start it. Maybe tomorrow. We'll see how things go. Toodles.