Life At Sea

I have returned! Unfortunately, this particular post is mostly just me complaining. I had several people say that they wanted me to document my two week Hawaiian Cruise so I did so to the best of my ability. Due to my 14 day trip, I have cut this into 2 halves. I'm going to warn you now: I don't even like me for most of this post. I'm tired and can't really come up with more to say other than that. Good Luck. 

Day 1
-We're doing the lifeboat drill. My first thought is "SACRIFICE THE ELDERLY TO THE MIGHTY GOD POSEIDON! HE'LL SAVE US ALL!"
-"In case of an emergency, all of our employees are foreign and difficult to understand. Sooo you're pretty much fucked."
-3rd beer with Dad and it's 7 minutes to 5. He might kill me. I think this is the beginning of a blurry vacation.
-Need to take Day Quil to get rid of my cold. Don't have any water to swallow it with. My dad suggests beer. Oh god.
-Dad: who would've thought that you and I would be sitting at the bar throwing back a few beers before dinner. Me: given my childhood, this doesn't surprise me.
-Because the ship is bobbing up and down. We feel like we are walking like drunks but we're not drunk. My aunt just said the same thing and she's only had one drink. Dad: 3 Ktez: 3 Aunt Linda: 1 Mom: 2 Aunt Des: 2.
-Dinner time. Me and dad are getting mojitos for appetizers. Ahhhh greatest drinking buddy ever.
-Protip: red snapper "mojito" is not what it sounds like. Never. Again.
-Public bathrooms on boats are redicks huge.
-Me and dad want to be this old rich dude. He looks swagtastic in his white blazer and gold watch.
-Guinness in a can? Blasphemy.
-The show kind of sucked.
-It's super windy outside so the boats rocking a ton. This isn't helping with my current bladder situation.
-Watching Karaoke with the parents. Everyone is tired. I could probably drink and walk around all night. I want to go to the club oddly enough
-Everyone who asks me for my ID immediately apologizes for asking and gives me an explanation as to why they asked after I hand it to them. Cruise ships are weird.
-This little Canadian girl is singing "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion. Pretty sure she just doomed us all to hell. I'M SORRY POSEIDON! BLAME CANADA!
-Apparently my Aunt Linda was shocked at my knowledge of '60s music that played during the show. And one of the acts mentioned a French jazz band and my dad was shocked and confused that I knew what it was. Everyone underestimates my knowledge of music.
-A pretty decent band covering the '60s and '70s at one of the bars. I just need my book and I could sit here listening to music and drinking Dos Equis all night.
-SWEET CAROOOOOOLINE! BOP BOP BOOOOOOP!
-My dad is surprised that I'm not even buzzed and we've been drinking all afternoon.  Beer is like water for me. Maybe I'll do a whiskey day to make him happy.
-Calling it an early night. Ran into the rest of the family in the hallway. I really have to pee. Goodnight.

Day 2
-I didn't even realize that I had slept. Or that Aunt Linda had gotten up and left to go to the gym with everyone else. I wonder how long the gym thing is going to last with them.
-I thought this would be a tard free vacation. I was so wrong.
-"Can I get 2 milkshakes? I have a big yard"---Bernadette
-Blew $40 in the casino. But I have a Jack and Coke in hand so things are looking up.
-Oh god. Squashed like canned sardines in the elevator behind King Tard.
-Why do you start singing happy birthday loudly when the waiters are singing at another table? Just stop and eat your food.
-2 Jack and Cokes and 2 glasses of wine in. I have an hour to kill. What to do, what to do.
-Good ol' Jack and Ginger
-I think the boat life has given my liver a coating of steel because apparently no matter how much I soak it in alcohol, I can't get a buzz.
-Sitting outside in the cold night air, we watch Total Recall on the big screen as my Dad orders us a bucket of Coors Light. We're just waiting for the midnight buffet
-"I'm drinking the last beer in this bucket because you've been drinking whiskey all day. And because I'm thirsty. And we're keeping this bucket."---Dad. We didn't keep the bucket.
-Goddamn Colin Farrell. Goddamn.
-Back in the room after the midnight buffet. Naturally I can't sleep because it's before 3am and I'm still sober after 2 Jack and Cokes, 4 Jack and Gingers, 2 glasses of wine, and 2.5 Coors Lights. Pretty sure I don't even need food anymore. Alcohol is my sustenance.
-Rooming with Aunt Linda is better than I expected. She's asleep before I am and wakes up before I do. I can even ignore the good ol' Cortez snoring problem. The fact that she sleeps in her underwear though. That kind of bothers me. 

Day 3
-It's 6:45 in the morning. Why am I awake you ask? Because the fucking high seas are rockin and rollin or some shit. 
-My stupid fucking disposable razor doesn't shave anything. Fuck it.
-According to the live TV feed of the front of the boat and the Captain's log channel, the waves are moderate and at most 7.5 ft. This doesn't fucking feel moderate.
-Ran into the family at the breakfast buffet. 
-I'm lost at the back of the boat and I might not make it out alive
-Success! I found the coffee shop!
-I'm watching these old Swedish ladies judge the extremely obese American family behind me. Bitches go back to your country. Leave them alone.
-The boat just made this big scary noise and jerked. A) We're being attacked by some massive creature B) It was just a normal boat noise C) We hit something. 
Either way, I've seen this movie and it does not end well for anyone. Except for Sharktopus. He always wins.
-3rd old couple to ask me if they can sit with me because all of the other tables are full. This is the nicest old couple I've ever met
-Discussed families and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo with the old couple. They understand me. 
-Aunt Linda asks me to read by flashlight tonight because my super dim bedside table light that stretches out to my side of the room kept her awake last night. 
-Sitting outside with Dad waiting for the burger and pizza stands to open and Blue Hawaii to start on the big screen. It's raining and people are swimming. Crazies.
-It might be beer time.
-I'm watching turtles eat off the side of rocks on the big screen. Invigorating.
-Dad forgot his to take his meds so he went back to the room, leaving me here to watch 2 tables.
-An overweight, crotchety old woman tried to take one of the chairs from our table. Bitch don't give me a dirty look when I say that we have 7 people coming. There's a beer right there. Clearly someone is sitting there.
-We all have like 8 blankets. We're never leaving.
-Dad got us a bucket of Coors. Apparently we're starting early today.
-Read while dad went to some Pearl Harbor lecture and the rest of the fam took dance lessons
-Dad wanted to watch Total Recall in one of the theaters. I fell asleep.
-All I did today was read and watch movies. 
-Fancy dinner. I hate fancy dinners.
-Fancy photo time. The photographer will only allow 5 people max per photo. This Asian family has 15 people. He's switching everyone out one by one. Fucking Asians.
-Really bro? Making me pose with an awkward chicken wing arm thing going on? This isn't the time for the awk hand.
-Pictures are done. Switching to Vans because my flats are too big.
-After dinner wine in a lounge. The singer is really really good.
-We decide to go to the outdoor theater again to watch a movie. But first, jeans.
-AMY WINEHOUSE IS ALIVE! WE MUST TAKE A PICTURE OF HER
-Me and my cousins were racing the adults for the fastest way here (the theater). We would've won but I decided to take out a set of tables and chairs in the process. I looked awesome doing it though. I did some kind of ninja roll and popped right back up and kept running. Pretty sure I tore something and my ankle is fucked up though. I felt something pop and stretch. Again. DAMN YOU VANS AND YOUR LACK OF TRACTION.
-Pre-movie buffet. This kid rolled his eyes at my cousin because she was apparently in his way of some weird looking ham. She just stared at him and said "WHAT'RE YOU, LIKE 4?!?" and walked away. She's 24.
-I feel like I just have the worst luck with ankles. It hurts so much but it's a pain I can tolerate now. I need some booze.
-Double Jack and Ginger to ease the pain/keep me company while we watch The Amazing Spiderman? Why not.
-90% sure that I sprained something. I'm going to keep this thought to myself. Hopefully no one will notice my limp. I'll just say it's how I swag.
-I'm not allowed to read in my room so I've chosen to hang out next to a window by a bar on the bottom floor to do my reading. With a coffee, thank you very much. Had to put my foot up though. Hurts like hell.
-The boat is making those noises again. If I get to day 4, then the world didn't end. Unless it ended on the mainland. Then I'm fucked. And no one will be reading this. 
-I have decided that traveling by boat is not one of my favorite modes of transportation. The swells outside are huge and freaking me out. I've seen too many disaster movies.
-Everytime one of the cruise people comes to ask me if I need anything, I take my foot off of the chair because I don't want them to see that I'm only wearing 1 shoe.
-The swells are freaking me out and I'm starting to fall asleep. Time for bed I guess.
-The swelling of my ankle has gone down for now. I'll probably elevate overnight for the next few days anyway.
-I was the only person downstairs other than staff. Creepy.

Day 4
-Slept good and long. I always do when I'm injured. They all went to breakfast and the gym and I was dead asleep. 
-Aunt Linda doesn't want to wake me up so shes walking around with a flashlight and she's afraid to use the blow-dryer. I'm being an asshole and pretending to sleep. 
-I can't wait to get to the mainland and see what's going on with the rest of the world.
-Soccer on ESPN in the room! I don't know or care who's playing. It's something other than watching the front end of the boat on the live feed.
-Everyone went to lunch without me. It's cool. I felt like dressing swaggy today.
-Probably the most I've eaten in one seating for this whole trip. 
-I just realized how much black I am wearing today. Black shoes black pants black jacket blue shirt black bra
-Just figured out that I can do panorama shots with my phone. Nexus for the win!
-I've been sitting on the sun deck reading because it's the first nice day out since we've been on the water. 
-The movie on the big screen is Mama Mia. I really hate this movie but it's so loud that I can't concentrate on my book. And I don't want to leave this spot because it's a good hiding spot. Oh well 
-Dinner composed of pasta, a picture of Bernadette's feet, a story about why Manuel hates the Japanese, and Bernadette's deformed hand.
-Dad and I realized that at every single meal, when Aunt Linda gets her food she passes it around the table and tries to get everyone to try it. Goddamn if I wanted that I would've gotten it. Just eat your food so we can leave.
-Bernadette almost got into a fight with some lady because she was standing too close to her during their dance lesson

Day 5
-Last night I came in a little after 12. I wanted to wake up earlyish to go watch Elf because it's playing on the outside TV  When I entered the room, there was way too much snoring and farting going on so I listened to my iPod and buried my face in blankets for awhile.
-It's 10:34. WHERE IS ELF
-YESSSSS IT'S SANTAAAA
-"Thanks Mr. Narwhal"
-"I just like to smile smiling's my favorite"
-"SANTAAAAAAAAA! I KNOW HIM!"
-"You disgust me how can you live with yourself"
-"You sit on a throne of lies" 
-"You stink. You smell like beef and cheese you don't smell like Santa"
-I pretty much just read outside all day after that.
-After dinner ventriloquist. He was funny.
-Expendables 2? Expendables 2.
-Oh baby Hemsworth. You are not your brother but you are still very attractive.
-all of this time changing stuff is throwing me off. At home it's 20 to 1am but here it's 20 to 11. Well now I can't possibly go to bed.
-I know I didn't talk much today but in all honesty all I did was read for a good 90% of the day.
-I've trapped myself in the bathroom to type the next few thoughts out because Aunt Linda complains that I do bright things or something. I don't know. 
-I'm really excited to get on land and communicate with people not aboard this ship. As much as I don't like being at home, I'm homesick. But mostly because I might miss my friends. A little. Maybe. Shut up.
-All of this "family time" is way too much for my enjoyment. Like today. I was sitting in a very secluded spot on a balcony looking thing that overlooked the ocean and some "adult pool" thinking "there's no chance in hell that they'll find me up here." Then they found me. Then they left, then came back and asked me to join them. I did, but I just wanted to be in my spot and read my book. And possibly drink a bucket of Mexican beer (I didn't).
-I drank a Coors Light out of the can today even though I was handed a glass. I'm tired of drinking classy. I need some BP stat. 
-This isn't a vacation this is my nightmare. I'm trapped on a boat with people I hardly know. I get an unlimited supply of food and alcohol yet I can't seem to get drunk. No one wants to go to the club with me. I see all the people my age bonding and having a great time and here I am sitting in a tiny ass bathroom complaining about how I can't even read a damn book in my damn bed. No, I'm not going to fucking read by flashlight. I'm blind enough as it is. Fuck I'm going nuts. 
-now I'm as annoyed with myself as Kathleen gets when I bitch like this. I get it Scraps, I get it. You can hit me when I get back. Twice. Once for talking to myself and once for me being a pain in the ass.
-I'm going to go read this fucking book with a fucking flashlight because I want to do so comfortably and not in the cafe.

Day 6
-Hahahahahaha. So the song on one of the many alarms on my phone is a small piece of the song "Kill Everybody" by Skrillex. There are no words involved with the slice that I use as my alarm. Aunt Linda fell out of bed, white with fear, at the sound of the dubstep music. It's a good thing that it was pitch black in here because I was able to control my laughter until I got in the shower but the smirk on my face was instant.
-Contemplating turning off airplane mode now in hopes that I'll get a signal.
-I don't. Dammit. Wifi why do you have to cost an arm and a leg?!?!?
-DAYWALKER
-Finally off the boat in Hilo. Hawaiian Elvis is our tourguide. This is ridiculous. I feel like I'm in Mexico.
-This place is like Jurassic Park. I just want to explore the forest with a machete.
-My phone was on the verge of death pretty much all day. We took this ghetto ass tour with Melvis (Hawaiian Elvis' name was Mel) but it was enjoyable. We saw alot of nature and some lava rocks and lava trees and a macadamia nut farm and Rainbow Falls as well as the projects of Hilo, Hawaii. With the exception of me and my cousins, everyone I was with looked like a tourist.
-I bought two shot glasses, a magnet, some ice cream, and some delicious nuts. The ice cream also had nuts. In my mouth. God I miss sex jokes. Let's be real doe. No one likes nuts in their mouth.
-Went down to the piano bar because Aunt Linda wanted to get a pre-dinner drink. She's odd but she's growing on me.
-SWAG UP!
-"It's Christmas Eve and no one else is here so we're having a drink"-Aunt Linda before dinner
-After dinner no one could make a decision as to what they wanted to do so my parents and I went to see an Elton John impersonator. He was pretty good. Old ladies danced. Some woman got mad at my Dad for wearing his Santa hat. We don't know what that was about. 
-I really want to go home. Whoever reads this knows that I'm not generally a quiet person but I've been so quiet here. I have to watch what I say and it's not the censoring myself part that's irritating, it's the not having anything to say part. I'm not a big family person. Never have been. So I slink off and listen to music and read because there's nothing else that really interests me here on the boat but then they hunt me down and try to find me. Most of their conversations are bland and uninteresting. Most of it is a facade that was amusing to watch at first but now it's just frustrating. 
-I don't type most of what I think during the day because A) I'm mostly just reading and B) it sounds like I'm just whining. But the days seem to get longer and longer and I really hate traveling by boat because the movement freaks me the fuck out and keeps me up at night. I think my mind is starting to fracture.
-Oh, and my ankle is still fucking sprained. I thought it was fine but I twisted it again on one of the hikes today. Luckily I tend to fuck them up far too often and do not feel the need to require medical attention because I can do it myself.

Day 7
-We're on Maui today. We had a pretty good tourguide who took just our family on a bus. We saw a couple of film locations from LOST so that was pretty cool. It's been a chill day. 
-Currently we're at a Fish and Pasta place. I'm about to try a Maui brewed IPA called Big Swell with my fish and chips for lunch
-So far all I've purchased from Hawaii are 4 shot glasses, a magnet and macadamia nuts
-Here's my little pre-dinner schpeel. I've finally gotten a good buzz going thanks to two specialty 007 Martinis: "Quantum of Solace" and "Skyfall". I've discovered that the piano bar has a list of several different 007 martinis and I have made it my goal by the end of this cruise to try all of them. They are all 90-100% alcohol. And they are tasty and strong as shit.
-FAMILY OF DAYWALKERS OH GOD THE HORROR
-I'm drinking a Vesper martini. And it's strong as shit. And I don't like it at all. But I'm going to finish it because I don't believe in wasting alcohol

Well, that's it for the first half. I know, I know, it was boring and annoying. But the second half is better. I promise.