Secret Monday's: This Time, It's Sexual.

It's that time of the week again! Secret Life of the One Town in America Where Everyone is Pregnant. 

I'm reporting live from the confines of my bedroom, eating a dinner of frozen fish sticks and dino nuggets like a five year old. 

I have no idea why I am watching this shitty show, but I know that when this episode's over I have to start watching Army Wives because I promised a friend that I would. 

Now I'm stalling. 

Let the melting of my brain begin!




8:00 THE SCHOOL COUNSELOR IS ONE OF THE 7TH HEAVEN FREAKS! She thinks the nerdy guy is crazy.

8:02 Black guy counselor is leaving. I kind of remember him maybe? Apparently there was some sort of scandal and investigation or something. 

8:03: OOOOOH he's sleeping with the Latina sloot.

8:03 Amy Slootgans is upset that the nerdy guy is upset that he straight up told her he's done with her.

8:05 family feud with nerdy guy and the 15 year old prostitute because he forgot about her at school.

8:05 The Asian preggers girl's dad is not happy that the whiny kid came with her to Texas. I like his tie. 

8:07 Why is the dad not Asian? why are none of these kids the same ethnicity of their kids. The dad's Mexican or Middle Eastern or something. The mom is white. Clearly that equals Asian.

8:08 This dad is a dick. "She shouldn't be comfortable." "She shouldn't be going on dates" Shipping her away so she can pop a child out of your vagoo isn't punishment enough? Let's see you try it bro.

8:11 I like the Mexican housekeeper. She's like a sassy black woman.

8:15 Ricky complains a whole hell of a lot about the shitty dress. Apparently he doesn't love Amy and he doesn't want to get married. Scandalous.

8:16 The big headed douche has a broken arm and leg? That's a janky looking cast. He's trying to get the Bible thumper girlfriend to cut his casts off so he can start practicing for some sport. She said no and cussed.

8:18 The Latina sloot and the black teacher guy are getting married. Is she legal? As in a green card and the age of 18. Both are very valid questions.

8:20 Aaaaaand we're back to whiny Ricky. Damn he's hot. He just needs to shut up.

8:21 Wasn't this black therapist in the movie Congo?

8:25 This girl with a big forehead and the nerdy guy are being set up on a date or something. Why is her head so big?

8:26 They're going to bone. I can feel it.

8:28 Now the nerdy kid is realizing that he never loved Amy Slootgans.

8:29 The whiny kid has good insight on life.  THE NERDY KID HAS A NICE ASS BMW

8:30 She's not a grown woman. She is 15 and had a kid. She's not a grown up. She just has a wide-set vagina.

8:31 Now the parents sound like actual humans and not ethnically confused robots.

8:33 So they're letting her go back to Slootville?

8:37 I remember the tard brother. Amy's dad is with the Bible thumper's mom? Is that what's happening? Apparently the tard is in trouble because he tried to convince a girl to move into his room because he wanted to bone her. Get it, tard bro.

8:40 Apparently the Bible mom and Papa Slootgans were a thing in the past and got back together because it was easy.

8:41 Papa Slootgans lied and the baby kid is not his kid. He's known this whole time. "I stayed with a gay woman!" bahahaha

8:42 Papa Slootgans, he's not your kid. Get over it.

8:42 Seriously though, where's the Slootgans youngest female? The sister disappeared or something. Or got pregnant like the rest of the women in this town and had to be shipped off? 

8:46 Oh that's right. The douche guy almost died because he was beaten by a pimp. He just had an epiphany, he wants to be a minister. 

8:48 Ricky is about to get himself in trouble right now. He's lying! Whatadick!

8:49 And now they bone. I hope she doesn't get pregnant again.

8:49 The Latina sloot is marrying into a genius. He's going to be rich as hell.

8:50 HE GOT A CHECK FOR A MILLION DOLLARS?!?!? FUCK THAT GUY! Oh wait, she did.

8:52 The nerdy kid is super romantical and boooooring. But he did admit that he's really into the big head girl. I knew they would bone.

8:56 Poor Papa Slootgans can get it up. This episode is all kinds of sexual.

8:57 The big headed douche has really big ears. 

8:59 I think the Asian girl's parents are letting her go home with whiny kid. 

9:00 Yup. And nerdy guy is letting them bone in his car or something.


That episode was all kinds of sexual. Ugh. It keeps getting worse and worse. Now this stupid Jennifer Lopez movie is on. Gross. 

I'm going to make more fish sticks and watch an episode of Army Wives before Bates Motel comes on. I need a little murder to feel normal again.