If you are friends with me on Facebook, you may have noticed that I have a habit of writing "letters" to people who enter my daily life. Rarely are they people I've actually met or know on a first name basis. These are the people that I refer to as "idiots", "assholes", or any other profane, derogatory name that you can think of. Some people might not know or realize this from my usual relaxed demeanor, but I have an incredibly short fuse. Over the years I've learned to control it and use other things to channel it, but it's there. On occasion it comes out when I'm incredibly drunk but the beast inside of me usually has to be triggered by something small for it to come out and play. I've learned to use a combination of listening to loud music and writing those "letters" as a therapeutic technique that has proven to be very effective.
Over the past couple of weeks, a few people in some of my classes have been mildly irritating but yesterday I was a little off of my game and one event in particular got to be a little too much for the loud sounds of Brand New* to handle. So here's a few letters of irritation that lead up to the one that just about pushed me over the edge. In order to keep these people anonymous (for all I know they could be your brother, sister, unfortunate boyfriend, best friend, fuck buddy, etc.), I've chosen to keep their real names out of this and use some appropriately descriptive nicknames instead.
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Dear Fisherman Vest,
You are a bit of an enigma, and not in a good way. You're the kind of person that I never want to be. I'm all for going back to school when you're older to learn some new skills or techniques about your interests but it is clear to me and everyone else that you have most likely been at LBCC since the mid '80s. Mostly because you flat out said so in class. You don't strike me as a man who goes fishing and/or skateboarding on a daily basis so why do you wear a fisherman's vest and skate shoes? Granted, Airwalks can hardly be called skate shoes, but still. They are lavender pea green, and gray. What would possess anyone to buy those? At least match them with your vest and hat combo! I'm not the best dressed individual but I really don't understand your vest. Why do you wear it? What do you use it for? Do you have different items in the many pockets that are meant for fishing lures? do you know how crazy you look? And your matching hat! What's wrong with a good-old baseball cap? I just really want to know if you go fishing every morning.
Excluding the your very eclectic wardrobe, there are also various other qualities about your being that irritate the living hell out of me. Your habit of speaking up whenever you deem it necessary is annoying. No one asked for your opinion. The teacher is lecturing. Shut up and let us listen. You also tend to pull these ridiculous new age theories about medieval poets that makes absolutely no sense. No, Chaucer was not secretly writing about space aliens attacking earth. How did you get that out of shepherds arguing in a field about what gift to get Jesus? Nothing that comes out of your mouth makes sense. A normal person would think that you would understand that when the teacher gives you a blank stare after anything you say. I really hope that you one day learn to shut the hell up and let the rest of the class be bored in peace.
---Kt
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Dear Beatnick Guy,
You are quite a character. I have read about people like you in works of fiction but I never thought that it would be possible for someone like you to exist. I'm not sure if you piss me off more than your fascinate me but it might be a bit of a tie. Mostly I have questions but they are also irritants. Every single class you blow into the room like a tornado with your rolling backpack and your briefcase but I don't understand why you are in such a hurry. You always come into class 10 minutes early. I also don't understand why you have a backpack and a briefcase, yet you still always ask me for a piece of paper. What do you have in your luggage? Drugs? Porn? A superhero costume? I also don't understand why you wear your sunglasses inside. IT'S A NIGHT CLASS! The sun isn't even out when we get to class! If they were prescription then maybe that would be okay but they're not! They're just regular sunglasses! Argh there's nothing more infuriating than people who wear sunglasses indoors and in the night hours no less! I also don't understand why you feel the need to enunciate every single word and draw out every single thought. Every one of your points can be boiled down to one simple thought. You are not the teacher. We don't need another lecture from a fellow student. We don't need THAT much historical background on the readings. Please, for the sake of the 8 other people in our class, stop talking.
---Kt
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Dear annoying girl,
Stop sucking up to the teacher. Nothing that comes out of your mouth is remotely factual or important. If you're going to contribute something to the class, let it be silence.
---Kt
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Dear suave guy who sits in front of me,
You're another suck up. You're not smooth with the ladies. Yes, the blue shirt I wear has a deeper V than the rest of my v-necks. No, I do not need you staring down my shirt every time I wear it in order to realize this. I did not wear it for your eyes to stare down. I wore it because I ran out of clean shirts. It's not a shirt I typically wear to school. Do it again on the next laundry day and I might have to stick a plastic spork in your eye. You're not flattering me or doing me a service. You're just being a perv.
---Kt
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And finally...
Dear guy who works at the coffee shop,
WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?
I have been to you establishment a grand total of four times and was planning on making it a common hangout spot but you have compelled me to never visit your shop again. The last two times that I have been there with friends you have treated them with the epitome of hospitality and kindness but when I step up to the counter to order your demeanor changes completely. Your face becomes sullen and filled with irritation whenever I order my coffee. You are clearly a middle aged man, why does it complicate your day to make me a coffee beverage when that's your job in the first place?
The first time I encountered you I thought I might have just been paranoid but last night it was evident to even the friends I was with. First I was going to order pasta but you said "no," so I ordered a cheese panini instead. When you told me you were out of sourdough bread, I understood and quickly changed my bread choice. You just sighed and said "okay, fine". I asked for American cheese and you gave me swiss. The cheese wasn't even melted. Then when you brought the sandwich to our table, you threw the plate on the table on top of my study materials and didn't even give me a chance to say "thank you". I don't understand where your hostility came from. I tip you a dollar each time I order something. Why do you hate me? I didn't complain about your service or your shitty sandwich. I still tipped you $2 for the coffee and sandwich.
Later on in the evening I realized that you overcharged me by $1.50. I was infuriated. It took so much out of me not to complain. I'm not the kind of person to complain about food so I ate your shitty sandwich and just sat there in contempt and anger, shaking with fury as I attempted to study for my quiz. Is it a race thing? Because if you didn't notice one of the people I was with was Asian and I am the furthest thing from being a stereotypical Mexican.
So thank you, racist, irritating, man at the coffee shop. You've officially ruined my favorite place for me. I'll stick to my black barista from Starbucks from now on. At least he likes me.
---Kt
*Brand New is a rock band from Long Island, New York. They're my go-to anger band. Check them out if you're interested. Click here to view their website
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